Because of you
by MichaellaD
Summary: In which I explore how Red John has affected Jane's life. (Not as depressing as it sounds.)


**A/N: Another song fic! Yay, I'm sure you're all so excited. Sorry, it's the only ideas I seem able to come up with. This song is Because Of You by Kelly Clarkson. If you know this song you'll notice I removed the lyric where it says 'I was so young' to make it work. Not that that means that I own the song or the Mentalist.**

**It may help if I tell you that when a certain part seems to be particularly hard on Jane, remember it is what Jane is thinking about himself, and not necessarily a personal belief Jane is quite so irredeemable. Remember his thoughts about himself are often somewhat distorted.**

* * *

**CBI, seasons 1-3**

_I will not break the way you did,_  
_You fell so hard_

Revenge is what gets him up in the mornings. The faces of his wife and child are on the forefront of his mind, they keep him going through the good days and bad.

But Lisbon is scared that he will become like Red John. Not that she would dare say so, but it's obvious in the way she looks at him sometimes. It's her face that he thinks about when he's about to do something particularly illegal.

Above all else he does not want to become like Red John. And that is the only thing that makes him even occasionally listen to her.

_I've learned the hard way_  
_To never let it get that far_

It is remarkably easy to make people hate you. Really. You can't know until you've tried it.

But that won't work for him. He needs these people around him to trust him so that they can help him find Red John. And preferably to be sympathetic to his cause.

So he runs a delicate balancing act. He helps them when they need it, but then he tricks them and abandons them and draws out painful childhood memories to make them wary of him.

He needs them to hate him a little bit so that they keep their distance. That way they won't be killed by Red John.

_Because of you_  
_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

The camera's lens is taunting him. He hates it almost as much as Red John.

A lesson learned through pain is not soon forgotten. He can't shake the feeling that if he looks at the camera and starts talking, someone will die.

So he hides, like a little child. It's better to be safe than sorry.

_Because of you_  
_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

He has always been able to keep a tight rein on his mind. This is useful now because he knows he will never be able to care for anyone again, even if he wanted to.

He is lucky that it is so easy for him to shut off his emotions. He barely survived the death of his family; he knows he wouldn't be able to take it if he let someone else into his heart and they were ripped away.

Because Red John would be right there, doing the ripping.

_Because of you_  
_I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me_

He knows he has to tell Lisbon about Sophie. It's the only way to keep her on his team. But even now, standing before her, he can barely form the necessary words.

It is such a shameful chapter of a shameful life. He's pretty sure she won't react too violently, beyond wondering how he erased it from his record, but if she _did_ laugh at him, or pull away slightly, or be disgusted, he thinks that he would shrivel up inside.

But she doesn't, of course, just like he knew she wouldn't, and he curses Red John for turning him into such a snivelling coward.

_Because of you_  
_I am afraid_

He's too scared to smile. The memory of Kristina's face will haunt him tonight. He won't lock it away until tomorrow, for she deserves at least that from him.

She had essentially been an experiment. He can't remember why anymore, or for what point. But it was enough for Red John to 'take her out', to use what now seems to him to be an excessively vulgar saying.

He feels like he's caught in one of those medieval torture devices that didn't allow you to sit, stand, or lie down. Red John is allowing him to continue on the path he's carved out, but woe betide the consequences if he tries anything on the side!

Kristina's blank face rises up before him again. The fear threatens to overwhelm him. Red John obviously only allows him to operate by certain rules. But what can he do if he doesn't know what the rules are until he breaks them?

_I lose my way_  
_And it's not too long before you point it out_

Lisbon says he's too confident, too proud of the fact that he's always right.

But she has no idea what he used to be like. He's a veritable Uriah Heep now compared to how he used to parade around. His wife usually kept him in line, at least around the house, but not enough. His family paid with their lives for his excessive hubris.

He will never again be so cocksure, so arrogant. Red John has effectively squelched that part of his personality. He keeps any leftover tendencies towards bragging under tight control. He _will not_ give Red John another chance to point out that he is a conceited egomaniac.

_I cannot cry_  
_Because I know that's weakness in your eyes_

He doesn't allow himself to sleep at the CBI until he's sure that he will not wake up crying.

It's a sign of weakness, and he knows Red John has spies everywhere. Better to not give them any fodder that might make Red John think that he is less than one hundred percent focused, that he's losing it.

Even Lisbon has never seen him cry.

_I'm forced to fake_  
_A smile, a laugh everyday of my life_

He can't bear to look in mirrors anymore. It's been months since he combed his hair while looking at his reflection.

The reason why is quite simple: he can't stand to see himself smiling. But he can't stop smiling because then everyone would know what a mess he is. So, if he doesn't see his smiles, then he can forget how they twist and distort his features.

Red John's sign is a smile. It's ironic, really. Almost as if he has been marked by Red John.

He's beginning to loathe the mask he's forced to sport.

_My heart can't possibly break_  
_When it wasn't even whole to start with_

He hates Red John for what he did to his family. No, it is not enough to hate. Despise, then? Loathe? Damn? Execrate? Anathematize? Comminate?

He falls back on a word he read in an old tome once, long ago. Beshrew. Fine word, that. With the added advantage of confusing everyone around you.

But all these words are a shield against the fact that he secretly believes they apply to him. Everything Red John said about him in the note was true.

His wife and child were the only human beings he ever cared about more than himself, but he doesn't ever remember letting them know. He knows he didn't deserve his wife. Deep down, he thinks he deserved what happened to his family. The only thing is that _they_ didn't deserve to die.

And that thought is what keeps him going. His revenge has nothing to do with himself. _He_ is beyond redemption, but he's doing this for two lovely girls who didn't deserve to love such a miserable human being.

**CBI, seasons 4-6 (and the island)**

_Because of you_  
_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

There is a hundred dollars lying on the sidewalk. He looks around quickly. He could easily pocket it, there is no one around.

He turns it in at the front desk on the hotel.

Lisbon would say it is because he is basically decent, but he knows that is not true. He can act decently, it is true, but it is not a part of him, as it is with her.

He's not a fool. He knows Red John wants him as another acolyte. Following the rules shows Red John that he is not going to play, that he will never give in.

So even though he chafes at it, there is a grim pleasure in such things as returning money found on a sidewalk.

It is another slap in the face to Red John.

_Because of you_  
_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

It's like a blow to the head the day he realizes he likes spending as much time as possible with Lisbon. This is bad. He had done so well at not caring for anyone, but she had snuck in somehow.

It's because she's so short, he tells himself with gallows humour. She flew in under the radar.

Still, the situation must be remedied. Now, he knows there is no way he can uproot her from his heart. In defiance of all evolutionary laws, he is firmly monogamous. The only option open is to make sure no one else knows how much he cares.

In so doing he will hurt her terribly, but he takes comfort in the fact that at least she will be safe. He refuses to admit that he is doing this more to protect himself than her.

_Because of you_  
_I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me_

He feels like the bottom has dropped out of his world. How could Red John possibly know who those seven suspects were?

He wishes he hadn't told Lisbon, then quashed that thought instantly. It's not fair to her. He hates the fact that Red John can make him doubt even Lisbon's loyalties.

Because if he can't trust her, then he can't even trust himself.

_Because of you_  
_I am afraid_

He has been afraid before, thinking about what Red John might do. Or so he thought.

He'd thought he had been afraid when he saw what had happened to Kristina or when he saw Red John while tied up. He'd supposed that what he'd felt during that wild limo ride had been fear.

But nothing compares to what he's feeling when he sees that smile in blood on Lisbon's face. It is overwhelming, all consuming, overpowering.

He doesn't know if he can fight it.

_I watched you die_  
_You never thought of anyone else_

The man, the monster lies dead at his feet. He is somewhat surprised. When all is said and done, it is just a man.

There is no demon, no Satan here. Just a man, one who only sought to gratify himself. Perhaps Hell is run by a man, he thinks. Only a human could be so self-centered, so blind and unseeing.

Watching him die has been very satisfying.

_And now I cry in the middle of the night_  
_For the same damn thing_

He's killed Red John. That persistent spectre, gone from his life. It's incredibly relieving.

His nightmares are slowly leaving him. The shadows of the night no longer haunt the fringes of his vision. He finds himself able to concentrate on happy memories of his family, without the guilt consuming him. It's still there, but it's no longer eating him alive.

But he still lies awake at night. Sleep continues to elude him.

Now his nightmares concentrate on a pair of beautiful green eyes... Eyes he will never see again. Eyes that he never could see again because of what he did. Because after everything, he had become like Red John. He had thought only of himself.

And now those green eyes no longer shine proudly over the CBI. Those green eyes, whom he could have protected, are forever barred from his life. Why couldn't he have realized earlier that a man needs a someone else around to keep him sane?

A tear slides down his cheek. Inadequate punishment for having ignored her feelings throughout.

**FBI**

_Because of you_  
_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

He looks around the offices. Here will be his home for the next five years. If he's honest with himself (which he's been working on), he knows that he'll be here for much longer than that.

He spent ten years chasing Red John and now there's nothing he knows how to do _besides_ catch criminals. It's been too long since he did anything else; he doesn't know how to start over so late in life. His brain needs to keep busy. He had felt it atrophying on the island. So here he is, a retired con man, once again on the right side of the law and trying to stay on the straight and narrow.

Oh well. Lisbon will be here soon. He'd do a lot more than be honest to see her again.

_Because of you_  
_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

He almost cries when he sees her - that's how much he's looked forward to this moment.

But a reunion after two years' separation is not the time to express your previously concealed love. Nor is it appropriate when she later visits you in prison and gives you an incredibly thoughtful gift.

He reasons with himself in this way until Pike shows up. Then hiding from himself is no longer an option.

He curses Red John. Even two and a half years later, his shadowy hand is reaching up from the grave, holding him back, keeping him from loving Lisbon. The problem is that hiding his feelings from her has become a habit.

And that's a problem he doesn't know if he can fix.

_Because of you_  
_I try my hardest just to forget everything_

Lisbon doesn't want him anymore. A gentleman would let her be, so he tries to forget how much he wants her.

He thinks he understands. After all, he did so many terrible things to her. It hurts too much to think about those things because he doesn't really see how he could have done much differently.

Forgetting is the best plan. So he'll try to. If he ignores the past, it might just go away.

_Because of you_  
_I don't know how to let anyone else in_

He feels like he's caught in a trap. Lisbon wants complete and total honesty. He's only ever shared that with one person, and look what happened to her.

Lisbon doesn't realize that it's a very bad idea to be let into his mind. _ He_ can barely handle it there. Ever since Red John his mind has become a dark and scary place.

With his wife, he loved telling her about himself, about his thoughts and feelings. Chasing Red John changed a lot about him. He's told Lisbon some things about himself - a very few snapshots of his past - but he just couldn't bring himself to tell her anything that might let her predict how he'll act.

It had been a safety mechanism - if Lisbon could figure out what he was going to do, then Red John would have no trouble.

But now, when the reason for avoiding it is gone, he's discovering with horror that he no longer knows how to talk about himself.

_Because of you_  
_I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty_

He's drinking in a motel room with two other heartbroken men. He feels like he's wandered into a bad sitcom.

Lisbon is leaving him, and he's beginning to realize that she is his whole life. Revenge had been what kept him going for such a long time. He had never intended to keep on living after accomplishing it.

But somewhere along the way and without realizing it he'd fastened onto Lisbon as a reason to keep going.

He looks blankly at the man sitting across from him. He's saying something about how he hadn't realized until it was too late what he'd given up.

Well, it's not like that with him. At least he's always been aware that his life was a joke, devoid of meaning. No, he's deluding himself. _He_ made his life a mockery. It was _his_ choice to avoid any purpose, any meaning. Was that to keep Red John far away, or was that just what he's told himself for so long that he's begun to believe it?

He's known what an empty life is like. It's too much. He can't take it a second time, not voluntarily, anyway.

He stands up, his resolution clear.

_Because of you_  
_I am afraid_

"I love you. That is the _truth_ of what I feel."

He's thrown caution to the winds. He wishes he could say the same for his fears. But in the spirit of total honesty that she's deserved for so long: "It scares me, but it is the truth."

He wonders if she actually knows how scared he is right now. He's pretty sure she does. She's been there right beside him every step of the way. She knows his hang-ups about letting people get close to him, and, more importantly, she knows why.

Knowledge is power, but knowledge has never had the power to overcome fear.

_Because of you_  
_Because of you_

She's come back to him! She has!

Everything is back to normal: their bantering, their sharing, their friendship... A couple things have changed, e. g. kissing each other, but he's not about to complain about that.

Even though they're so happy together, it is a little uncomfortable to think that they are only together because of Red John. He wonders when that thought will cross her mind. Probably during the first 'morning after'.

He'll hold her tight and console her with the fact that she wouldn't have fallen in love with him before Red John. He wasn't her kind of man. And, to be completely honest, she wasn't his kind of woman. It'll take some fancy talking, but he knows he can get through to her in the end.

When that's out of the way, he's as positive as he can be that Red John will finally be laid to rest in his mind.


End file.
